


Like Their Mothers

by fyrebirdrises



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Pre-Catching Fire, canon-divergent, mostly canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-02
Updated: 2014-07-13
Packaged: 2018-02-03 01:55:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1726862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fyrebirdrises/pseuds/fyrebirdrises
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Between the end of the 74th Games and the Victory Tour, Katniss and Peeta struggle with themselves and those around them. This is a slightly AU look at what could have happened during that time to make them follow the example of their mothers, and where they would go from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before Arrival Home

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mostly canon universe, starting immediately following the 74th Hunger Games, going until the start of their Victory Tour. 
> 
> I woke up one morning with an alternate Peeta in my brain. Something of a Dark!Peeta, which is not how I’ve ever thought of him before.
> 
> The more I played with the idea, the more I thought that there might well be some of that, some of his mother in him, and that it wouldn’t necessarily have taken a major change of events for it to make an appearance. This is a slightly darker side of otherwise canon Peeta, one who is still a nice guy at heart. It’s just that sometimes, being a nice guy isn’t as easy as it looks. 
> 
> Then I thought about Katniss. It’s clear she has some of her mother’s depression and withdrawal in her as well. What would it take for that to come out earlier? 
> 
> And most of all, what would the two of them do about it?

## After the final Interview with Caesar Flickerman (74th Hunger Games)

The peacekeeper stops Katniss as she and Peeta leave the District 12 rooms in the Training Center. “Please come this way, Miss Everdeen.  Your train will wait.”

Peeta moves to follow, confused and worried about what is happening.  Haymitch is fairly certain he knows what this is about, and he is also concerned. He convinces Peeta to proceed with Effie and drive to the train as planned, while he remains behind to accompany Katniss. 

Katniss is escorted to an area of the Training Center where she has not visited before.  It is much more formal than their living quarters, even lusher, if that is possible.  She walks into the indicated room, and knows this is bad news. President Snow is not wishing her a fond farewell, not without Peeta with her.

The President is sitting in a chair on the far side of a formal wooden table with 5 more chairs next to it. Katniss looks around, but doesn’t see anyone else in the room.  President Snow indicates she should sit opposite him.  “My advisors suggest that you may be planning trouble.  I told them that a beautiful, sweet girl in love would do no such thing. Look how you volunteered for your sister.  Someone who loves that deeply would remain completely dedicated to her young sweetheart, wouldn’t she?”

Katniss nods.  When he seems to be expecting more of an answer from her, she says “I just want to get back home.  I’m not interested in causing trouble for anyone.”

President Snow looks at her.  “I’m very happy to hear that.  Please take my best wishes back to Peeta, to your mother, to Prim, and of course, to all of your cousins”.  With that, she is dismissed, and she wastes no time leaving the room.

***

Sitting with Haymitch in the formal car with its tinted windows, on the drive to the train that will take them home, Katniss avoids thinking about most of the conversation she just had, and struggles to ask her mentor (carefully, there may be people listening) about one bit she doesn’t understand. 

“So, the President sends his best wishes to my cousins.  I wouldn’t have thought the Capitol would care about them.”

Haymitch looks at her.  Holding her gaze, he says “During the family and friends interviews when you made the final 8, your cousin Gale was quite popular. All of Panem knows how close the two of you are.  I think that girls all over are falling in love with him and his handsome face.”

That answer is so out of character that Katniss just stares for a minute before picking up Haymitch’s hint. “Oh, I never thought about that. He’s just my cousin and my good friend.”

Haymitch nods, satisfied she’s gotten the message.  Katniss ponders her newly discovered relatives, and wonders how they (he) feel about this new status in her life.

##  On the train trip home

Katniss and Haymitch join Peeta and Effie on the train, which immediately heads off toward District 12. After settling into their rooms, Katniss and Peeta find each other in the compartment with the TV, although neither is interested in watching.  Or talking.  Both are overwhelmed with the knowledge that they are going home.  

They sit quietly in each other’s company, taking in the sounds of the train, simply enjoying the moment.  It’s not a time to celebrate their victory, or to worry about the past or the future.  They both just need this time, which passes quickly enough when they are called to dinner.

Afterward, the four of them watch the recap of the interview, then one by one, they file off to bed.  Being alone in their rooms gives them each time to think.  Katniss and Peeta both wake up in a very different state of mind than they had been in the evening before.

Peeta is deliriously happy.  He made it through the Games, and is returning home with Katniss at his side.  His every dream has come true, and with that, he feels he can ignore the nightmares that linger just underneath the surface of his conscious mind.

Katniss is troubled and confused.  She isn’t sure how she is going to handle the collision of her worlds, the reconciliation of the reality of the two men she now considers her best friends.  She doesn’t know what kind of relationship she wants with either of them once she’s in District 12.   Under all of this lingers the nightmares of what happened in the Arena.  The knowledge that she killed people.  The image of Rue’s death.  The sight of the mutts chasing her and Peeta.  All these things she wishes she never had to think about again.

Katniss knows that she doesn’t want her relationship with Gale to change from what it was before she left. She just isn’t sure it’s possible for it to stay the same. Gale isn’t going to be happy with her friendship with Peeta, with a merchant.  She doesn’t even want to think about what he’ll make of the romance that he saw on the screen.  There’s a worry in the back of her head that Gale isn’t going to accept her having a relationship (real or not) with anyone, but she pushes that aside.  Things aren’t like that between her and Gale. (But she wonders, does Gale expect them to be, someday? Is that what his talk about running away, about leaving the District, was indicating?)

And she doesn’t know what to do about her relationship with Peeta. She likes him, becoming friends with him with a speed that she had never experienced before.  Gale took much longer to earn her trust.  Madge still doesn’t entirely have it, and they’ve been sitting together at lunch for years. Although really, the boy with the bread started to gain her trust years ago. And Katniss comes back to the thought she never wanted to be anything more than friends with anyone.  She acted otherwise to get through the games, and the more she did it, the more of it she felt.  The closer she gets to home, the more she feels like the old Katniss.  The one that never, ever wanted romance. With anyone.   And feeling forced to pretend chafes more and more, overshadowing whatever feelings she might have developed.

She doesn’t even examine what she might or might not have eventually wanted with Gale, if she ever relaxed her no-romance stance.  Anything beyond friendship with him is off the table now, thanks to Snow and his implied threats. 

***

At breakfast, Peeta notices her discomfort. He reaches for her hand and asks “Hey, what’s wrong? What are you thinking about?”

Katniss takes his hand, but with more hesitation than he’s used to.  She won’t look him in the eyes as she shakes her head, indicating she doesn’t want to talk.  Haymitch looks at the two of them and says “We’ll be pulling in for one last fueling stop soon.  Get your stuff together now, and the two of you can take a walk when we get there.” They appreciate the option to get some air and to talk in private, and there isn’t much to gather, so they wait quietly for the train to stop.

***

Katniss and Peeta hold hands as they walk down the tracks.  Katniss wonders how this simple gesture, something she’s never done with anyone else outside her family, can feel so alien and yet so comforting at the same time.

When they get past the train, out of any possibility of anyone hearing, Peeta repeats his question from earlier.

Katniss sighs, and tells him “I’m feeling confused about what happened in the Games, and what’s going to happen when we get back.”

This doesn’t really help Peeta.  He has very little confusion about what happened, and although he doesn’t know exactly what their relationship will look like, he knows they will make it work.  If they made it this far, what else can stop them?  “I’m not sure what you mean, Katniss.  What is there to be confused about?”

She hesitates when answering-- words don’t come easily to her.   “I’m sorry, Peeta.  I didn’t understand what was happening…  I don’t know what’s going to happen…” Even Katniss realizes she’s not making any sense.  She blurts out “I didn’t know it was real.”  She knows this isn’t enough, and tries desperately to find the rest of the words she needs, the ones that say that she meant some of it, once she figured out he meant it, that she did feel something, but it’s too late.

Peeta isn’t prepared for this answer, and the implications are devastating.  He doesn’t stick around long enough to work through where that leaves them.  He’s much better with words than she is, but he is in no frame of mind to use them.  He simply turns around and walks back onto the train, leaving Katniss calling his name.

This turn of events leaves Katniss no less confused, but much more frightened.  She hadn’t even mentioned Snow, and wonders if she should have. And she doesn’t expect the sadness she feels when Peeta leaves her side and she’s not sure when (or if) he’ll return.

***

As they pull into the station, Peeta is no longer happy, but he knows this would not be a good time to show it.  He turns the smiles on as the train doors open.  Katniss does the same.  Both already miss the person next to them. 

***

Haymitch knows something is happening with these kids, but he’s been mostly sober too long to make the effort to figure out where things stand.  He just wants to get home and get drunk enough to forget all the years he didn’t bring any tributes home.  He knows he should celebrate bringing home these two, but it seems to make his betrayal of all the other kids worse.  He wonders exactly how long the cameras will hang around District 12, and if he can stay moderately sober that long, and if the girl can keep up her side of the deal until they are gone.

It never even occurs to him to worry about what Peeta will do.


	2. Settling In (1 week to 1 month after the cameras leave District 12)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta are back in District 12. The cameras are gone. It's time to return to normal life, but figuring out what normal is now proves to be a challenge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to titania522 for her continuing Beta support!

**1 week after the cameras leave District 12**

The three victors are leading entirely separate lives. They are not talking to each other.

***

Peeta is going to the bakery to work with his family each day. They are acting like nothing has changed. Well, except him moving out of the house. But he has changed, and trying to act like the old Peeta is painful beyond his imagining.

His brothers are chattering away about school, and about what their friends are doing, and about who is getting engaged, and acting like life is completely normal. And he guesses it is for them. They don’t see dead bodies when they turn around too fast. They don’t hear mutts running their way whenever there is a loud animal noise in the distance. They don’t fear attack around every corner. (Will he ever really leave the Arena?) And they don’t mourn for the love of their life, who was within reach, except she never was, and now he feels like a fool for being heartbroken over her.

And ignoring his mother is harder than ever before. Although he is fairly certain she will never try hitting him again. He didn’t really hurt her when he grabbed the hand that was about to slap him, not more than a couple of small bruises worth (much less than she would have done, and has done to him previously), but he thought about doing more in return, and he knows that she knows that.

***

Katniss meets Gale in the woods to hunt on Sunday. She is acting like nothing has changed. Well, except her family moving to a new house with her, so they talk about that for a few minutes.

But Gale doesn’t want things to be like they were before. He asks “So, what does Lover Boy think of you being out here with me? Doesn’t he want to keep you all to himself, or does he actually think I’m your cousin?”

Katniss sighs. “That was all for the Games.” (She wishes she could convince herself of that. Sometimes she almost can. This is one of those times.) “You know I never wanted that with anyone, but it got us sponsors, which we needed, and it got both of us home.”

Gale looks at her for a moment. Katniss can’t judge what he is thinking. Finally, he says “Well, if you’re open to that kind of thing now...” and reaches for her, pulling her close as he kisses her.

Katniss is both surprised and expecting it. She doesn’t fight the contact, not at first, but she doesn’t return the kiss either. She notices that it feels different than when Peeta kisses her, but then again, she’s usually much more invested in those. She finally draws back and tells him “I can’t. Even if I wanted to, I can’t”.

Gale shrugs and says “I had to do it. We make a much better pair than you and Bread Boy, and you know it. It isn’t that you can’t. It might be that you won’t, but you should at least be honest about it.”

Katniss thinks bitterly that how she feels doesn’t matter. Her never wanting any sort of a romantic relationship doesn’t matter (And she isn’t sure whether or not she’d want to be involved with Gale in that way, even if it was an option, even if she wanted a relationship, even if Peeta had never been in the picture.) . She must maintain her public relationship with Peeta. So she tells Gale “Really, I can’t. I have no choice in this.”

Gale scoffs. “And who decided that? That’s one thing the Capitol doesn’t take from us. It’s always been our choice.”

Katniss says “Not anymore. President Snow says this is the way things are now for me, and he made it very clear that you and Prim and my mother will suffer if I don’t go along with it.”

But Gale can’t accept this, can’t believe she won’t (can’t) just cut it off. He doesn’t want to talk about it, so he changes the subject, asks about what direction they are heading next, keeps the talk to plans for checking the snares on a regular basis, and how the hunting has been recently.

Katniss thinks about the hunting she did in the arena. About the mutts. And the other tributes. And somehow this hunting now isn’t as appealing, but she can’t tell Gale any of that.

They hunt together. They walk back to the hob together. The easy feeling of friendship they’ve had for so long isn’t there, and neither one of them is willing or able to do anything about it. Gale walks her home, but she doesn’t ask him to come inside. He doesn’t ask, either.

***

Peeta sees the two of them walking back together, and it just adds to the feelings of betrayal he’s already nursing. He sees the not-so-cousinly interest in Gale’s face. He misses (ignores) the frustration that’s there with it. He doesn’t even look at Katniss, and what her body language would say about the state of her relationship with Gale. The picture of them together is just one more image to mix into his nightmares.

***

Katniss arrives home, and her mother is right there.

“Katniss, there you are! I wish you wouldn’t go out without telling me where you are going, and when you’ll be back. And you really shouldn’t keep going out beyond the fence. You don’t need to do it anymore, and it isn’t worth taking the risk.”

She knows her mother is trying to make up for years of not being there for her, of neglecting the family, but this isn’t working. It’s overbearing and insulting. Her mother is treating her like she was still 11, and she feels much older than the 16 that the calendar says. The most ridiculous part is the insistence that she is too young to have a boyfriend. On the one hand, she is relieved at how this helped to cover the distance between her and Peeta for the cameras when they were here. On the other hand, she can’t help but think that if she and Peeta could have had some time to talk alone over the past few weeks, that maybe they could have overcome this awkwardness between them, one that now seems to be set in stone.

Once she is alone in her room, Katniss sighs. She feels like she’s let down both of her best friends by not committing her heart to either of them. She’s a little angry that anyone would expect her to do so, but at the moment, she’s mostly tired and sad. She’s not sleeping at night, in an attempt to keep the nightmares away, and that is taking a toll on her body and mind.

***

Peeta isn’t sleeping at night either. He attempts to escape the nightmares by wandering his house, which doesn’t feel like home at all. He’s angry with Katniss about the way things happened between them. Angry is less painful than heartbroken, and is much easier than trying to objectively think about what choice she really had. Most of all, he’s very tired, tired of everything having to do with the Games, including himself.

***

Haymitch remains at least partially sober until the cameras leave, and not one day longer. By this time, he’s largely forgotten he has not one but two success stories living nearby. He particularly doesn’t think that they might still need some mentoring from him.

 

* * *

 

 

**1 month after the cameras leave**

Looking at Peeta from the outside, not much has changed for him in the last month. The only room in his new house that is in any way lived in is the one where he has set up his painting studio. He doesn’t spend enough time in his bedroom to settle into it. He aimlessly wanders his halls at night instead. He thinks about baking sometimes, but that’s what the bakery is for, right? He still goes to help almost every day, but baking there isn’t as comforting as he’d thought it would be.

He goes to the bakery for the familiarity of the setting. He goes because the process of mixing the dough, of kneading the bread, of icing the cookies, all of those things soothe him, just for a minute. He goes in an attempt to reconnect with his father, who frowns at him when he thinks Peeta isn’t looking, who worries about the changes in his sweet son, who changes the subject when Peeta brings up anything unpleasant. He goes in hopes of feeling something from his brothers, who were always affectionate in a boyish, physical, wrestling sort of way, but who now don’t touch him at all.

Peeta almost stays away because of his mother. He hears what his mother says about him. She’s very good-- she talks just at the edge of his hearing, things he shouldn’t hear her say. And of course she doesn’t mean for him to hear them, she’s talking to his father, his brothers, even customers that come in. It isn’t constant, he starts to relax, thinking maybe today she’ll be better, he’ll be OK. He might even hear something that could be stretched to be considered supportive, understanding, maybe even loving. Then when he’s not expecting it, he hears it, the one remark for that day, the one he’s going to carry around with him, thinking about it.

“Why does Peeta condescend to come in here every day? You can just tell he thinks he’s too good for us now. Of course, I’m sure there’s no one around here up to his standards now.”

“It’s too bad all of Peeta didn’t come back from the Capitol. I know it’s only a piece of his leg that is gone, but now he seems like less of a man, or rather, of a boy.”

“It’s really too bad his friends don’t come around to see him anymore. They are all much too busy with their own lives to make time for someone like him. Of course, I can understand why they feel that way.”

“I hear that slut of a girlfriend of his is off fucking Gale Hawthorne in the woods while he mopes around here.” (His rational mind says she isn’t. He hasn’t seen them together except that once, and he’s pretty sure that there wasn’t anything actually going on right then. Of course, Katniss has fooled him before.).

“I’d never thought any child of mine would end up as a murderer. We have more class than that.” (So an adult beating a child with a rolling pin shows more class than defending yourself and the girl you love in a sadistic game set up by the Capitol?)

She couldn’t possibly have meant him to hear these things, even though he was right there in the room. She’s always known how to do maximum damage, only now it isn’t physical.

Unfortunately, she’s mostly right about his friends. (Does that mean she’s right about the rest of it?) He’s no longer the light-hearted, smiling boy they remember. He doesn’t have school in common with them anymore. He can’t participate in school athletics. His efforts to join in on pickup games aren’t successful either-- he’s still not settled enough with his new leg, he’s way too sensitive to sounds and motion, and he realizes quickly that his reactions to normal jostling/grabbing/physical contact are way out of proportion to the setting.

Delly still stops by his house and keeps him up to date on the current happenings of his peers, and he appreciates that more than he can say. There are some other girls, ones he never had any interaction with before, that have started hanging around the bakery, talking to him. They are full of suggestions about how they should go out some time. They make him very nervous.

Peeta had hoped that the pain, the nightmares, the anger, the humiliation from the Games would fade as time passed. He just has to look at Haymitch to see how unrealistic that thought is.

  
***

Looking at Katniss from the outside, not much has changed for her over the last month. She has to get out of her house. Her new house doesn’t feel like home, not like her old house in the Seam (but she stops by there, and it isn’t home anymore either).

The conflict between her and her mother is escalating, with her mom trying much too hard in some ways, but not actually doing any of the things that Katniss really could use from her (not that Katniss really understands what those are, either).

What she needs is a parent that will let her know that she’s still the person that she’s always been. Someone capable and strong, but also someone human. Katniss has been the strong one in the family for so many years. Maybe if her mother acknowledged that, Katniss would be able to accept some support for the weakness she feels when the nightmares come. As it is now, she tries to avoid sleep, but when she absolutely must, she tries to make sure she’s as far from anyone else as possible, and she barricades the door to keep out threats as well as pity.

Katniss often doesn’t even try to eat with the family at home, ever since her mother made a point of not saving any dinner for her one day when she came home later than usual. She grabs supplies to eat on the run while she’s out. If she’s home, if her mother asks her to join them, she will, otherwise she takes care of getting herself dinner, one way or another. She’s getting better at cooking for herself. She doesn’t feel bad about taking any leftover food in the kitchen. She also just gets soup from Sae at the Hob some days. Still, she is glad that her mother makes sure that Prim eats.

Katniss still goes into the woods to hunt most days. The only day she regularly skips going out into the wilderness is Sunday, when Gale will be out there, the only day he isn’t in the mines. She doesn’t know which she is more afraid of-- that if she saw Gale in the woods, he would repeat their previous conversation (and his actions when they were talking), or that he wouldn’t talk to her at all. He looks away from her on the rare occasions their paths cross in town. She misses the old Gale terribly. She misses the old Katniss just as much, and wonders if she’ll ever be that person again.

Even when she is out, some days it’s hard to shoot anything. It’s not that she misses what she aims her bow at, it’s that she’s not always sure what she’s going to hit. She shoots at a wild dog, and suddenly she sees a wolf mutt staring at her with eyes that don’t belong to it. She shoots at a turkey, and suddenly sees a tribute in the arena. It happens after she’s released the string of the bow, and some days the fear of what she’s going to hit keeps her from aiming at all.

On those days, she spends more time foraging. She even finds a couple of plants she learned about in training before the Games that aren’t in her father’s plant book. She wonders if she could add them herself, but knows that any drawings she makes will be worthless to anyone else looking at them. Drawing is not a skill of hers.

She brings as much game to Hazelle as she will accept. They both know that Gale resents it, but he’s too busy with his long hours in the mines to do much hunting, and Hazelle appreciates it, and supporting each other’s families is part of the deal she and Gale made back when everything was different. Posy lets slip that Gale has been spending his evenings with a girl (or maybe more than one). Hazelle quickly changes the subject. Katniss tries to figure out if she cares. She decides the answer is no. She wonders if they can get back to being friends if Gale directs his romantic interests elsewhere. She reluctantly concludes that won’t be the case, at least not yet.

She takes some of what Hazelle doesn’t need to Greasy Sae at the Hob. She trades with others there as well, but it isn’t a comfortable experience most of the time. Darius no longer tries to get her to trade rabbits for kisses. No one knows what to say to her. She’s never really known what to say to them, and that’s one thing that hasn’t changed. Greasy Sae is the one exception. Just as she used to give Katniss a little more for her game than was strictly necessary, now she is willing to take a little more game than she actually pays for (Katniss would happily give it to her for free, but she knows that offer wouldn’t be accepted) . Somehow she knows what to say, and what not to say. Somehow she understands that when Katniss trades game for a bowl of soup, she’s really trading for a chance to sit and be normal for a little while. Katniss wonders if these moments, sitting and eating a bowl of soup and pretending that everything is just like it used to be, might be one of the only things keeping her small edge of sanity that remains.

Madge is another person that helps keep Katniss on solid footing. They actually spend more time together now than before she was reaped. Madge tries to teach Katniss to play the piano. Katniss is more successful at providing an audience for Madge’s playing. They don’t really talk to each other, but they never really did. Mostly, Madge treats Katniss like the same person she used to be, and that’s all Katniss wants right now.

Katniss is afraid to talk to Prim. She is afraid of contaminating Prim with the death and destruction that surrounds her. At night, Prim and Rue merge into one person, and she’s afraid of making this mistake during the day. Katniss sees that their mother has taken over mothering Prim (as she should have been doing all along) so she doesn’t feel like she’s abandoning her sister. She tells herself she’s giving up the burden of parenting. Along with it, she gives up her primary motivation to fight.

Katniss and Peeta sometimes see each other coming and going, but rarely meet each other’s eyes. Sometimes Katniss will try to wave at Peeta, or shout a greeting, but he doesn’t respond. She wronged him, and he’s not going to give in that easily.

Katniss doesn’t want to deal with the situation either, and avoids seeing him when she can. She knows they need to reestablish the illusion of a relationship, but they have a little bit of an excuse with her mother, who thinks Katniss is too young for a boyfriend. They still should have some supervised time together, where people see that they are still a couple in love, just with an obstacle to deal with. Katniss thinks about trying to send someone else (her mom? Prim? Haymitch?) to talk to him, to invite him to dinner, but she really doesn’t want to try to explain to anyone else why she needs an intermediary.

***

Haymitch emerges from his drunken stupor. He sits on his front porch for awhile each day. He watches what’s happening, then goes back to drinking.


	3. Stuck in Place-- one month before the Victory Tour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta are both unhappy. Katniss decides to try to change things.

**4 months after the cameras leave, one month before the Victory Tour**

Peeta’s life has settled into a pattern, and it isn’t a good one.  His unhappiness is growing by the day.  

His mother has poisoned his interactions with his brothers and his father at the bakery.  She is no longer subtle with her insults to him, and delivers them to him directly.  The rest of the family is afraid of provoking her wrath if they show him any kindness, and besides, they are starting to at least partially believe the things she says.  They’ve seen his violent reactions to being startled. Maybe he is as dangerous, as murderous, as she says.  Maybe he always has been, they just missed it in him.  (That way, they don’t have to feel guilty about not stepping in to help him against their mother, not if she was right about him all along.  Maybe her punishment is what kept him in check all this time.)  And the girls that are hanging around, well, they don’t have the best reputations.  They’ve all slept with or otherwise had (sexual) contact with many of the male athletes and other high status students (and maybe not just students), or that’s what people say (and why would people say it if it wasn’t true?).  It’s clear what they want from Peeta.  They must have some reason to think it could happen, right?  

Peeta continues to remains polite to everyone that comes in, but it’s harder and harder. Some days he’s on edge because he doesn’t think he deserves to be treated this way.  More and more days, he has started thinking he doesn’t deserve anything more from his family, and that he might as well give in to everything else they expect from him.  It would feel so good to give back just a little of what he gets from his mother…

Delly no longer comes to Peeta’s door, because Peeta stopped answering when she did.  She was too happy, and hearing about how everyone else’s lives just continued on like nothing happened (because to them, nothing did happen) was too difficult.  Peeta’s brothers no longer come to visit, not that they ever did with any regularity.  Haymitch barges in occasionally, but otherwise, Peeta is completely alone in his house.

Peeta doesn’t sleep.  He skips that step and paints the nightmares directly onto canvas.  One night, he got drunk with Haymitch, but after that, Haymitch wasn’t really willing to share his alcohol with him, not more than a single drink.  He could acquire his own, but in his mind, the Hob belongs to Katniss and Gale.  He keeps thinking about the sleep he got that night.

Peeta’s mind is stuck in the Arena.  It goes back and forth between being afraid of every threat he encountered, and examining every interaction with Katniss. Was any of it real?  Was she laughing at him the entire time?

***

Life has settled into a pattern, but it isn’t one that Katniss is happy with.  Her mind is stuck in the arena.  Some of it is the nightmares, some is the threats she sees around every corner.  More and more, she is stuck in the trap of replaying events, trying to see what she could have done differently.  Is there any way that she and Peeta could have both gotten out of the Arena without her hurting him like she did?  Every time, she comes up with the same answer. No.

All this time mentally spent with Peeta makes her realize that she really liked how they were when they were together, and that she would like to be friends again.  (Yes, just friends.  Except when she thinks of that one kiss in the cave, one kiss out of all the kisses they exchanged, and for the first time in her life in District 12, she briefly entertains the idea of maybe _wanting_ more than friendship. She tries very hard not to think about that kiss and the other thoughts that come with it.)

The next time she sees Peeta and looks away, she realizes she’s acting like her mother, in the ways that Katniss least respects her.  She’s checking out of the situation rather than facing it head on. Her father was never like that.  Whatever the challenge, he met it head-on.  She can’t respect her own behaviour, and she makes her decision. She decides it is time to channel her father instead.

***

Haymitch has been closer to sober than drunk most of the time recently.  There are events happening around the nation that are demanding his attention, events that were unwittingly kicked off by these kids.  He’s been keeping an eye on the two of them, but he realizes maybe just watching isn’t enough, he’d better figure out what is going on with them.

**Three weeks before the Victory Tour**

It takes Katniss a week.  She tracks Peeta like she would her prey in the forest, analyzing when he is home, when she stands a good chance of trapping him with time to talk to her.  She thinks hard about what to say to him-- words are not her strength.

The day that Katniss comes by Peeta’s house, his mind is ricocheting between what his mother said that day (she couldn’t believe he was stupid enough to believe that anyone, even that Seam trash, would fall for him like that) and his own thoughts about what had happened. He’s not in a good place.

Katniss asks if they can talk.  He shrugs and sits down on the steps.  It’s cold, but not freezing, and he doesn’t feel like asking her in.  She pauses and sits down next to him.  She feels exposed and even more nervous than before.  

She’s thought a lot about what she needs to say to him. This is important.  She’s planned it out, since this isn’t the sort of conversation she’s comfortable with. It seems like more words than she’s ever spoken at one time before, and it all sounds stiff and strange to her, but she needs to make sure she gets her entire message out this time.

“Look Peeta, I want us be friends.  I want to spend time with someone that knows what it means to be in the Arena.   I liked spending time with you, and that’s saying a lot, considering when it was.  I’m sorry I hurt you. I never meant for that to happen.  I never wanted to be romantically involved with anyone. That’s how all my future plans were.  Then I thought you and Haymitch had this plan to get us sponsors, and I went along with it. I didn’t think you meant it! Then I started feeling things I never thought I’d feel, that I didn’t think I could feel.  And I started to consider the possibility your side of it was real, but I didn’t know, and I couldn’t ask, not then. I only really knew I needed to protect you, and that I needed to get you out  of there with me. I’ve thought about it over and over, and I haven’t come up with any way I could get both of us out of the Arena without hurting you.  I’m sorry!”

Somehow, his mother takes over his brain.  He stops listening around the time Katniss says she’s sorry she hurt him, because his mother-brain doesn’t believe she liked anything about the time they were together.  He completely misses her implication that she never even considered a romantic relationship with Gale.  He certainly doesn’t think about the question of what she could have done differently.  He responds just like his mother would, with a stream of insults, using the words his mother has been throwing at him, using the thoughts that haven’t left him alone since they returned--

“How stupid do you think I am, to think I’d believe any of that garbage?  What, did Gale dump you?  Is that why you’re talking to me now?  Is the Girl On Fire looking for even more fuel for her flames? I’m not looking to get burned. Why would you think I’d want to be around you, after everything you’ve done?”

Katniss had never once imagined a response like this.  She’d never thought it was possible for Peeta, her sweet Peeta, to behave like this.  She doesn’t say another word, just takes off running, heading for the fence, for the place beyond it where she can leave this pain behind. She doesn’t think about, but heads for the lake.  She’s never shared it with anyone, not since her father shared it with her.  There she can have peace, with no thoughts of Peeta, or of Gale, and she can try to escape the Games entirely.

It doesn’t take more than a minute for Peeta’s brain to emerge from behind his mother-brain, and for him to be horrified by what he’s done. He knows how much those words hurt.  Quite a few of them have been directed his way recently.  He tries to follow, but there is no chance of his catching up with her.  He gets to the meadow where she slips under the fence, but she’s long gone.  

As he sits there, he feels worse and worse about what he’s done.  The worse he feels, the louder his mother-brain gets.  Soon it takes over again.  The insults it yells in everyone else’s direction spare him from his guilt over his treatment of Katniss (and his guilt over everything that happened in the Arena, a guilt which never really goes away).

***

Katniss returns home late that night.  She doesn’t sleep at all, as usual, and then spends an entire day in her bed, not sleeping, not thinking, and best of all, not feeling, before pulling herself together.  It’s hard, but she does it.  She reminds herself that she takes after her father, not her mother (she isn’t entirely convinced).  She thinks it won’t take much more for her to fall apart.  She thinks that maybe what she needs is sleep (which she didn’t get in spite of all the hours in her room), and Haymitch seems to have an answer for this.

After dark, she heads to Haymitch’s house.  She doesn’t knock. She doesn’t bother with anything beyond a simple “Hey, Haymitch”.   She simply grabs his open bottle of the local white liquor and takes a swig.  She sputters and spits it right out, and then tries a smaller swallow.  Haymitch asks if she’ll give him his bottle back now. She just scowls at him, so he pulls out another one.

Once he judges she has had enough to sleep soundly, he takes the bottle from her, and tells her to go home. He watches as she staggers out the door, and doesn’t look away until the door to her house opens.

***

Mrs. Everdeen sits, watching Katniss sway as she steps in the door.

“Katniss Everdeen, you’re drunk!   I thought you knew better than to behave this way, if not for your own sake, then for Prim’s. I’ll help you get to bed now, but tomorrow we will talk about this.”

“No, no we won’t, MOTHER.  You d-don’t get to judge me.  I am not a child anymore.  I stopped being a child when I f-first killed someone, when I killed Glimmer and, and, and, I don’t even know her NAME, but I killed her too.  And I killed him and I watched Rue die.  And I shot Cato, but I didn’t kill him, and I listened to him all night, and then I did kill him, and then Peeta almost died, and I almost died, and Peeta almost died AGAIN, and I wasn’t even a child when I went there.  I wasn’t cuz I had to save Prim, but that wasn’t just at the Reaping, I had to save her from starving over and over, and I haven’t been a child since I was 11 fucking years old, and you weren’t my mother, you weren’t when I needed you, and  now YOU DON’T GET TO JUDGE ME.” By then, the slurred words were becoming even further blurred by tears that develop into sobs.

Mrs. Everdeen stands frozen through this speech.  Katniss thinks (rather fuzzily) she’d like to hear what her mother has to say about all of this, but isn’t surprised that no reaction is forthcoming.  After all, that’s the problem.  Her mother doesn’t want to face difficult situations.

Prim had been asleep, but wakes up with the yelling.  Mrs. Everdeen finally moves again as she sees her youngest daughter approach her eldest child, and between them they guide Katniss up the stairs, and silently undress her and put her in bed.  No one speaks as Mrs. Everdeen and Prim take themselves to bed as well.  Katniss appreciates the sleep she gets, and no one brings up that night the next day (or any time after that).

***

Haymitch continues to watch the two Victors from a distance. Until recently, he thought perhaps they were handling things OK, as much as could be expected, but the lack of any interaction between them caught his attention. He’d expected the girl to come try out his method of escape much earlier, and the initiative she showed in talking to the boy surprised him.  The way the boy’s family treated him in the bakery (he’d started stopping by for bread, but really to observe the boy) worried him.  The way the boy reacted to the girl terrified him, on behalf of both of them and of all of Panem.  He’s concerned about what’s going to happen next.

 


	4. Struggling-- 2 weeks to 10 days before the Victory Tour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta falls deeper into his struggles, and those around him take notice.

##  About two weeks before the Victory Tour

Katniss is trying to keep herself together.  Her attempt to mend her relationship with Peeta haunts her, because she really does want to be friends, because his behavior is so unlike the Peeta she knows, and because Snow is going to come down on them hard if they don’t get themselves together before the Victory Tour.

Katniss knows that Prim keeps her anchored (but she’s given up much of that connection).  She doesn’t realize that the presence of her mother could as well, but while Katniss is now more accepting of physical help from her mother, she still blocks any emotional connection.  Her mother hasn’t been doing a particularly good job of connecting with Katniss either, and is in fact avoiding her entirely after Katniss’s drunken statements a week ago.

Katniss hasn’t tried drinking again, in spite of actually getting some real sleep that night.  She now understands why Haymitch spends so little time sober.  He gets to sleep without the overwhelming nightmares that way, and if he keeps the alcohol level up, he doesn’t have to deal with the hangover she had the next day.

She heads over to Madge’s house after returning from a shorter than usual hunting trip.  She hasn’t been stopping by as regularly, so she isn’t sure Madge will be there, but it is something that will get her out of her house. As she walks, she thinks about talking to Madge about what happened with Peeta.  This would be something new for them, but there really isn’t anyone else she could imagine talking about this with.

She’s still thinking as she and Madge exchange pleasantries.  They both go quiet for a minute.  This is not unusual for them, usually they are comfortable with it, but Madge clears her throat and fidgets, and Katniss raises an eyebrow at her friend.

“Um, Katniss, I wanted to tell you something…  It’s still kind of a secret, and it might not ever be anything, but I wanted to make sure you knew, and, well, that you were ok with it…”

Katniss shrugs and gestures for Madge to continue.

“Well, Gale and I, we’ve kind of, umm, kind of started seeing each other. It isn’t anything serious right now, and, umm, we’re not really public with it at this point, but I really need to know that you are OK with this.”

Katniss shrugs again, with her face frozen. This conversation takes her entirely by surprise. It isn’t just the pairing between her two friends. She didn’t think Madge was interested in romance.  That was something they’d always had in common, and that set them apart from the other girls.  And unfortunately, her current thoughts on relationships are not at all encouraging. She sees her friend’s face fall, and realizes that she isn’t being very enthusiastic, and that Madge probably is reading this as an objection to her and Gale together.  She gathers her face into a smile (she really is happy for her friends, if they can make this work), and tells Madge that she has only best wishes for the two of them together.

Madge doesn’t look convinced.  “Look, Katniss, I know very well that if Gale thought there was a ghost of a chance of anything between the two of you, I’d be left in the dust behind him as he ran your direction.  So you aren’t doing me any favors if you cover anything up.  I’m not blind; I know things aren’t going well with you and Peeta.  If even a little bit of you thinks you might want to try things with Gale, please tell me now.”

Katniss tells her “I’m sorry, you really took me by surprise.”  She meets Madge’s eyes as she says “There is absolutely nothing going on between me and Gale, and I promise you, there never will be.  I’m happy for the two of you, and hope it works out.” 

Her eyes break away and she says quietly “I hope that when the two of you get things settled between you, I can have my friend and hunting partner back.  I miss having that with him.”

She doesn’t talk to Madge about Peeta, about the real reason that talking of relationships is upsetting her today.

Later that day, as she walks home, she thinks that if Haymitch is at least semi-sober, she’ll talk to him instead.  Maybe not about Peeta, but about coping with life after the Arena.

***

Peeta is so disgusted with himself that he has allowed his mother-brain to take over entirely.  It’s now affecting his time at the bakery.  The first time he answered his mother’s insults with a volley of his own, the exchange was entertaining to the rest of the family.  Now, it is just uncomfortable for everyone.  His father suggests maybe he needs to spend some time at home preparing for the Victory Tour.  Exactly what these preparations would consist of, no one is exactly sure. 

No one tries to talk to him about what’s going on in his mind, what would bring such a change in his formerly kind and sunny personality.

As he’s leaving, one of the girls that has been hanging around asks if she can help him feel better.  He doesn’t even know her name, but thinks she was a year or two ahead of him at school.  She has dark hair and grey eyes and olive skin and the resemblance ends there, but that’s enough.  He knows exactly what kind of assistance she is offering.  He isn’t really interested, but he’s angry, and hurt, and lonely, and in that moment he thinks that maybe he’ll take her up on her offer.

He suggests they take a walk.  She suggests the slag heap as a destination.  He considers it as they move through the town, and the cruel part of his mind whispers a plan.  He says he doesn’t have time right now, but how about in a few days, and he has a better location in mind.  He sets the time and place for their meeting. He never does learn her name.

***

Katniss talks to Haymitch.  He isn’t drunk, and he has been paying attention.  Katniss expresses her concerns about Peeta.  She thinks she has her life under control, other than Peeta and the whole sleeping thing... She knows Haymitch’s answer for that, and isn’t eager to try it again, but doesn’t count it out as a future option.

“Haymitch, I think Peeta might be in a much worse place than me at the moment.” 

Haymitch sarcastically answers “And what would make you say that, sweetheart?”

“Is this really all my fault? Is there was anything I could have done differently, back in the Arena?  Was I really that wrong?”

Haymitch takes a drink. “Sweetheart, you came up with a brilliant plan there at the end. You played it right while you were in there.  It might have been nice if you were a little less oblivious to his feelings before you went in.  I feel sorry for the kid, but nowhere near as much as he feels sorry for himself.”

“It isn’t just that I didn’t plan on falling in love.  I planned **not** to.  No dating, no boyfriend, no marriage, no kids.  Ever.  That had been going well for me until I got to the Games. I never wanted any of this!”

 Haymitch has nothing to say to this, he just raises a glass to her, and so she heads home.

Haymitch reflects that he’d planned to live his entire life without involving himself in teenage love affairs. It looks like neither of them is getting what they’d expected. By the time Peeta comes home, Haymitch is no longer even slightly sober, and any thoughts about talking to Peeta are completely forgotten.   It’s several days before Haymitch is once again ready for a conversation.

##   

##  10 Days before the Victory Tour

In the early morning, Katniss heads out into the woods.  Normally game is getting scarce by this time of year, but the weather is warmer than usual.  She’s trying to stock up on behalf of Hazelle, as well as gathering as much as she can of the various plants that her mother relies on for treating the men and women of the Seam.  

Katniss doesn’t stop by the Hob all that often anymore. With the slim pickings of game in the winter, she’s not getting much more than what she wants to keep Hazelle provided with.  And a couple of times, she’d lost track of time hanging out there, and was still around when the workers returned from the mines. She didn’t want to chance running into Gale.  It’s easier to simply not go.

By mid-afternoon, Katniss is heading back toward home, or at least toward the fence, and Peeta is escorting his “date” towards where she crosses back into the district, into the meadow (or rather, a small grove of trees at the edge of it).  He is carefully checking timing, and his senses, which have been honed by checking for non-existent danger, are alert for anyone approaching, particularly from the woods.

Peeta’s date starts kissing him. It starts light-- he’s inexperienced, and she knows it. She’s watched almost every kiss he’s ever had. Soon, she heats things up, moving closer, moving her hands. His body likes it, even if it leaves his brain and heart completely cold. He follows her lead. He’s distracted from everything else, inside and out, at least for a little bit.

Katniss approaches the fence.   As is her normal routine, she first checks if the fence is electrified, then she looks if there is anyone nearby before she shows herself .  Peeta and the girl are actually slightly hidden from this angle, and she has no reason to think anyone would be lurking in the trees.

She’s under the fence before she notices them.  She reacts with an audible gasp to what she sees.

Peeta’s “date” is on her knees, pulling down the zipper on his pants.   Peeta’s hands are gripping her shoulders.  He clearly seems to be enjoying what is happening.  His eyes are shut, until he hears the noise she makes and looks up.

Her eyes meet his. His eyes are cold as they regard her, not making any other move. She cries out, turns, and runs toward home. 

The sound reaches his normal brain, past the cruel side of his brain that has taken over.  He wonders what the hell he is doing, and stops what was happening before it really gets started.  He apologizes to the girl he is with before he also runs toward home.  As he runs, he’s horrified to realize he still doesn’t know her name.

***

Haymitch watches Sweetheart shoot by, dragging her game bag (which is usually mostly empty by the time she gets to the Village, but not today) behind her.  He can’t really tell at the speed she is running, but it looks like she’s in tears.  She’s not moving like she’s injured, and there aren’t many people that can hurt her emotionally.

***

Katniss dashes in the door of her house, drops her game bags, and continues up the stairs to her room.  She sits on her bed, tucks up her knees and rests her forehead on them and sits, rocking back and forth.  She didn’t like seeing Peeta with another girl, not after she admitted to herself (and to him, if he’d been paying attention) that she might be interested in him.  That smarted.  But the thing that really, really gets to her is that there was no reason for them to be in that place, at that time, other than to deliberately hurt her.  She can’t see what she’s done to deserve that.  She knows it should make her angry, that the old Katniss wouldn’t have let something someone else did make her run and hide, but with her lack of sleep, with her nightmares that don’t go away, even during the day, she doesn’t have the energy for that.

Mrs. Everdeen picks up the bags Katniss dropped. She tells Prim take the bags to Hazelle. Prim objects loudly to this task, complaining she prefers her animals alive, but Mrs. Everdeen sends her out of the house, and heads up the stairs, toward Katniss’s room.

Mrs. Everdeen looks in on her daughter, sees her rocking.  She stares for a moment and shuts the door, then goes to sit in her own room.   She only interacts with the world again when Prim calls for her mother on her return.

***

Haymitch is not surprised to see the boy coming by, not long after the girl, a pinched look on his face.  Haymitch calls out to him.

Peeta says he’s not really up for talking, but Haymitch insists, and offers him a drink (But doesn’t take one himself.  He’s going to need all his remaining wits for this conversation).

“Hey kid, how are you doing these days?”

Peeta shrugs.  Haymitch nods, that’s about the best a Victor can ask for.

“You have any idea what’s had the girl running herself every which way recently?” He gestures towards her house.

Peeta blushes.  “No. I don’t know.”

“How about this?  What happened there on your front steps last week?  You two don’t talk to each other at all for months, and when you do, she takes off running.”

Peeta sighs. “I didn’t respond well when Katniss came over to try to be friends.” 

“Didn’t respond well?”

“I might have yelled at her, said some things I regret now.” He doesn’t go into the kinds of things that he said to her.

“Boy, have you gone insane?!?  She comes to you and apologizes, and that’s how you respond?”

Peeta explodes.  He’d been holding himself together, but he is so embarrassed, so ashamed, that he responds with the kinds of insults that he’s getting so good at.  He starts by insulting Haymitch, then moves on to Katniss and then the world in general.

Haymitch laughs, which isn’t the result Peeta expects. 

“You sound just like your mother, which makes sense, since you’ve been acting like her for a while now. 

“You think about this.  Why are you punishing the girl for saving your life? Because that’s what she did, there in the Arena.  You think about that.  You think about who you want to be, what kind of a man you choose to be.  Now go home and cool down.  Don’t talk to any of us until you’ve thought this through.”

***

For Katniss, the upside of checking out mentally is that the dreams are less intense.  She actually gets some sleep that night because if she really, really doesn’t care about her life, the nightmares don’t really reach her either.


	5. Facing the Challenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta and Katniss work to face the way they've been acting and move forward in a more positive way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Solas Violetta for coming in with beta support!
> 
> I'd love any comments or feedback.

## One Week Before the Victory Tour

Katniss wakes up in the morning, after spending another day shut in her room, and sees Prim sitting by her bed, having brought her breakfast.  Katniss recognizes the look on Prim’s face.  It’s the same sadness she had when sitting by her mother’s bedside, when her mother had checked out and left the two girls to fend for themselves.  This look penetrates the fog, and Katniss thinks that this isn’t who she wants to be.

Katniss gives Prim a kiss on the top of her head, showers, and gets dressed to head out for the day.  She tells Prim not to worry about her, she’s done with moping around.

She decides that Peeta isn’t worth it.  Katniss will do her part to protect her family. She can act her way through the Victory tour, and worry about the rest later.  She doesn’t have to let Peeta in this time, she made that mistake in the Arena, and once is enough.

***

Peeta has been thinking.  He’s just going in circles in his head, but decides to change things up a bit, and walks out of his house and sits down next to Haymitch, who is sitting on his front porch, where he usually is until he gets drunk enough to want to be inside.

“It really hurts.”

Haymitch offer some of his preferred pain reliever.

“And what exactly do you think sweetheart there should have done differently?  Given that you’d never even talked to her before being reaped together, so she had no reason to think you really were in love with her?  Given that she didn’t go in already in love with you, and she didn’t find a fight to the death as the romantic environment she needed to get past a lifetime of thinking that love wasn’t an option for her at all?”

“I don’t know.”

“And you think she should have been able to figure it out?”

Peeta shifts gears.  “I don’t want to watch her and Gale together.  Before the Games, I’d resigned myself to it, and it doesn’t feel good to do it again.”

Haymitch glares.  “What in the hell did you think you’d be watching?  You know what hours Gale is and is not at work, right?  Same as anyone else working the mines, 12 hours a day, 6am to 6pm, 6 days a week.”

Peeta nods.  

“And has it escaped your notice that those are exactly the hours that Katniss is gone to the woods or to visit Madge?  And that outside that, she is always at her house here in Victor’s Village, with her mom and her sister, and sometimes those that need help from those two, but that the number of visitors sweetheart herself gets at any time of day is approximately zero.  So, what sort of a relationship do you think the two of them are carrying on, exactly?

Peeta isn’t ready to give up on his self-pity yet.  He needs to justify the way he has been behaving. “Still, it seems like my willingness to sacrifice my life for hers would be worth some honesty on her part.”

Haymitch laughs.  “And look what happened when she gave that a try.”

Peeta flushes and looks away.

“Boy, I didn’t know you wanted payment for what you were doing in the Arena.  And kid, you weren’t sacrificing your life for hers. You’d already decided you were going to die.  You dedicated your death to her.  That’s brave and noble, but didn’t really cost you much.”

Peeta looks back over at Haymitch and actually growls before he says “I think I did my share of risk taking in there.”

Haymitch keeps his eyes fastened on Peeta, willing him to really listen.  “You joined the careers, which was risky, but also kept you supplied with food and weapons right up until the moment you broke away from them. You had a nice moment of playing the hero with Cato, you showed you really did mean to carry through with the entire defend her to your death thing. But when sweetheart retrieved the medicine for you, she really and truly risked her life for you too.   Hell, when she pulled you from the mud and dragged you to the cave, she put herself in danger. She risked her life for you several times over.  She stood a really good chance of making it through the whole thing on her own, and her odds were better without you, boy, starting the moment the rule change was announced, and continuing on until she was willing to eat poison berries to save your dying self.  You didn’t ask her to do any of that, but she didn’t ask you, either.  So think a little more about who has the deep feelings here.  Think about who owes something to the other one.  I hear you talking about being in love with her, but that’s not what I see right now.

“Remember, the two of you have a show to put on next week.  While you are on the tour, you need to be the Star Crossed Lovers, together at last.  A whole lot is riding on the two of you keeping up that image. How miserable do you want us all to be? I told you yesterday, you need decide who you really want to be, and do something about it.”

Peeta feels like Haymitch is treating him like a whiny child.  He really does know he deserves it, but he’s not ready to give in quite yet.  Without another word, he stands up and heads home.

He thinks about everything Haymitch said, and realizes that overall, his mentor is right. It sickens him to realize how he had been acting just like his mother,  had emulated everything he despises most about her.  (He hears her voice in his head now, calling him a spoiled child, telling him no one would want him.  Not his mother.  Not his friends. Certainly not the girl he has loved all of his life.  No one. He shuts the voice down, reminding himself that isn’t who he is.  He tries to ignore the echoes.)

He needs to set things right.

He’ll start by facing the woman that taught him to act this way.  If he can hold together through that confrontation, he can handle apologizing (grovelling if needed) to Katniss.  He can handle trying to make things right, trying to win her back again. He’d give a lot just to be friends.  He hopes it isn’t too late.

* * *

 

## 5 Days Before the Victory Tour 

Haymitch isn’t surprised by much, but he is not expecting to see Gale Hawthorne striding determinedly into the Victor’s Village, eyes focused on the boy’s front door.  He’d counted the hunter as out of this story a few months back.  He calls Gale over before he attracts the attention of any of the other residents. Looking at the young man’s face, he sees anger and confusion, but it could be much worse.

“Hawthorne, don’t injure the boy, please.  I won’t say he doesn’t deserve it, but his stylists will take it out on me if his face is messed up this close to the tour.  And it looks like he’s figured out what an idiot he’s been, so I’d appreciate it if you’d give him a chance to get it all together. Your cousin could use a friend, though.  Just don’t cause any trouble there, she’s got plenty to deal with.”

Haymitch watches closely.  The anger has lessened a bit, and he thinks the message has been heard.  Still, the “Thank you” sounds more than a little sarcastic, and Gale heads directly to the boy’s house.  Haymitch debates following, but figures he’ll head over if the commotion becomes audible from his front porch.

***

Peeta is baking a cake.  The kitchen is full of bread he made earlier in the day, and he is feeling much more like himself than at any time since he’s been home.  When he hears a knock on the door, he hurries to get to a good stopping point before answering.  It’s been a while since he had a visitor other than Haymitch, who doesn’t knock.

When he opens the door, Gale glares at him from the other side.  Peeta keeps his stance relaxed, but looks Gale in the eyes.

Gale speaks first. “The drunk over there says I’m not supposed to mess up your pretty face, but I’m still deciding if I’m going to listen.”

“I’d appreciate it if you followed that advice, but I’ll admit to deserving it if you don’t.  I’ve behaved badly and caused a lot of damage, and I’m going to try to make up for it.”

Gale isn’t expecting this, and stands down a little. “I’m watching you.  I’ve got eyes in a lot of places.  If you step out of line, if I hear of you stepping out of line in any way, you will answer to me.  Katniss is important to me, no matter what does or doesn’t happen between her and me or her and you.”

Peeta nods his acknowledgement. “Gale, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Can you wait just a minute longer?”  Peeta gestures him inside as he steps out of sight and returns with a bag of bread and an additional loaf, still warm, carefully wrapped.

“If you are going to go see Katniss, could you take her this loaf of bread for me?  I’m not ready to see her yet, I’ve got too much to apologize for.  The rest is for your family, or whoever you want to share it with.  I’ve been clearing my head by baking, and I’ve made much more than those of us here in the Village can possibly eat.”

Gale wrestles with his immediate reaction of not taking charity, and decides he’s just going to take the damn bread.  Seeing it go to waste would be even worse.

Peeta watches as Gale heads over to Katniss’s house.  He wonders what kind of reception Gale will get there.

***

Mrs. Everdeen answers the door, telling Gale that Katniss wasn’t feeling well earlier, she’ll check if she’s up for visitors.  Gale thanks her and awkwardly hands her the bread, gesturing toward Peeta’s house.

Katniss comes down.  She’s tired, with circles under her eyes, but she’s alert, she looks like herself. Mrs. Everdeen leaves them alone in the front room, where they both sit awkwardly.

“Catnip, are you finally done with this thing with Peeta?”

Katniss just sighs and shakes her head.

“Really?  How much do you know about what happened a few days back?  Word spreads fast.  Lena went to school with me, and we’re friends. She came to me, upset about what happened with Bread Boy there... He was doing things no one that claims to love another girl should be doing. Lucky for him that he stopped things when he did, or I’d have had to do something more about it, but he shouldn’t have been in that position at all.”  Gale does feel a little guilty saying this, since he’s been in exactly that position, and he didn’t stop things.  He knows that Lena doesn’t get around as much as rumor would have it, but she does enjoy physical relationships, and she really, really likes a challenge.

Katniss turns pale. “Does everyone know what happened?”

Gale sighs.  “Not really, not as far as I know.  I think she talked to me because we’ve been friendly, and she knows about me and you, and you and Peeta.”

Katniss sighs in relief.  “Please, don’t say anything to anyone. It’d really be bad if word got out.”

“We could do it, you know.  We could run into the woods and make it work.  You could bring your mom and Prim.  I could bring my family.  We could do it.”

Katniss just shakes her head again.

Gale moves over to kneel on the floor next to her chair.  He grabs her hand.  “Katniss, I love you.  We could make it work together.”  He leans over, reaching behind her to pull her head towards him as he moves in for the kiss.  This time, she’s expecting it, and dodges him before standing up and putting some space between them.

She shakes her head, and her “No, Gale” has some fire behind it.  As much as she doesn’t appreciate Snow forcing her into a relationship, having the person she’d thought of as her best friend pressure her isn’t much better.  

At this, Gale explodes,.  “What do you want? Tell me what to do, I’ll do what it takes to make this happen!”

She looks at him and quietly asks “How are things going with Madge?  She told me you’d been seeing each other.  I told her I’m happy for you.”  

He looks at her silently for a minute.  He says “She’ll never be you ” and turns and heads for the door.

Katniss sighs, missing her friend Gale more than ever, and realizing she may never see that side of him again.  She feels very alone.

***

Haymitch breathes a sigh of relief as he sees Gale leaving the Village.  Gale looks violently unhappy, but whatever drama occurred, it didn’t reach outside the houses.  He thinks this deserves a drink.

* * *

 

## 3 Days before the Victory Tour

Peeta watches through his window in the early hours of the morning.  He’s baking, since sleeping is not currently an option. He sees Katniss slowly trudging to the woods, without her usual lightness in her step.  It hurts to know he’s part of the reason she’s suffering, although if her nightmares are anything like his, he’s only a piece of her problems.  He promises himself he’ll do whatever he can to make things easier for her going forward.

***

Katniss goes through the motions. She heads to the woods to bring home game for Hazelle as well as Sae.  Winter has come, and plants and animals are scarce.  Winter storms will eliminate any chance of bringing anything home with her soon, so the two weeks she will be gone will only be the start of the lack of provisions.  This time of year is always the hardest.

***

Peeta thinks about the day before, how he lost his nerve before heading to see his family at dinner time.  He made it into town, but he stopped and looked at their home over the bakery.  In his head he heard all the comments he thought he was ready to face, and started coming up with replies that were more and more vicious.  That wasn’t what he wanted, and he turned around and went home.

Today he’s really going to do it.  He’s going to go, he’s going to apologize, and he’s not going to let his mother get into his head.  This time, he’s heading to the bakery after the morning rush.  

And this time he does it.  He plasters a smile on his face as he walks in and asks if they can use his help with anything.  He sees his father working on decorating a cake, one of their rare special orders.  Peeta asks if he’d like a hand with it-- Peeta had been doing those for years, he really was much better at it than anyone else in the family.

His mother isn’t there at the moment, which is a blessing. His father and brothers simply watch him, not saying anything.  They actually look a little scared of what he’s going to do next.

Peeta sighs, and gives the apology he’s prepared.  “Look, I’m sorry for what I said and for any discomfort I caused.  I’ve been having a rough time, and I let it get to me.  I’ve decided to try to do better, I want to have you back in my life.  There isn’t much time before I leave on the Victory Tour, and I’d like to know that we’re OK before I go.”

They mutter acceptance, and his father gives him a little smile and points to the cake he was working on.  Peeta nods and takes the frosting bag his dad was working with, and listens to him give the parameters of the assignment.  It’s actually an interesting challenge, to make his work mesh with his dad’s, and he focuses in on it.  

At the back of his mind, there’s a voice wondering if he’s going to get an apology from them.  He’s able to acknowledge that he does deserve to hear that from them, that he was not the only one with behavior that was out of line, but decides he’s not going to let it bother him when it doesn’t come. He continues steadily with his work.

It gets more difficult when he’s jolted out of his task by a familiar voice

“What are YOU doing here?  You’ve been acting like you are too good for us, too good to come around.  Well, we don’t need the kind of help the likes of you can provide.”

She has more to say, but Peeta interrupts her by simply but strongly saying “Mother”. He takes a deep breath as he faces her.  He looks her squarely in the eye and tells her “I’m here to see my family and to help out with the family business.  As I said to them when I arrived, I’m sorry about my behavior last time I was here. I’ll stay, help out, and act in a respectful manner as long as I am treated with respect.”

His mother glares at him, and looks like she is preparing to test his statement when his father steps over and admires the work he’s done.  He says that they’ve missed his skills and his presence, and he’s welcome to come whenever he has time.   Mrs. Mellark turns her glare onto her husband, mutters something about bookkeeping to be done, and stalks out of the room.  

Peeta gives a smile.  “Thank you, Father.  I’m just about finished with the cake. What should  I work on next?  I’ve been working on some cookie variants over the last few days, are there any ingredients you want to use up now?”

Mr. Mellark glances around the kitchen.  “We’ve got some nuts left from a special order from the Mayor.  Any ideas how we could use them in cookies without using too many other things?”.

Peeta says “I know just the thing”, and starts to work on a new recipe he’s perfected at home.  The nuts are incorporated into a shortbread type dough, and he’ll roll the entire thing in fine sugar after they are cooked.  While doing this, he starts chatting with his brothers.  “Are you still seeing Sara?”  “Is your friend Brandt’s apprenticeship with the tailor going well?”  Their answers start out as single words, but soon expand as they relax a bit, and even start joking with each other a little.

***

Katniss spends a few hours with Madge, eating lunch together and listening to Madge play the piano.  She actually feels relaxed and like herself for just a little while.  As they are saying goodbye, Madge looks around to see if anyone is nearby, then grabs Katniss’s hand. Madge whispers “Listen, Katniss.  You need to be very careful while you are on the Tour.”  

Before she can ask what Madge is concerned about, the Mayor walks in. “I’m glad to have a chance to wish you luck on your Victory Tour.”  He has his public face on, as does Madge when Katniss looks her direction again.  Katniss and Mayor Undersee chat a little, talking about her mother and Prim, and the amenities they all appreciate in the new house.  Nothing more is said about being careful or even the Tour.

Katniss decides not to worry about it.  She’s curious, but she is already planning to be as careful as she can.  She’s not going to let this get in the way of her (relatively) good mood, and her steps feel lighter than they’ve been lately as she walks home, feeling the comfort spending time with a friend can bring.

***

Peeta leaves when the cookies are complete.  He’s extremely relieved that he’s accomplished this much, and feels much better to be on friendly terms with his family, or at least the portion that is willing to be friendly to him.  Most of all, he feels like himself again.  It isn’t that the urge to hurt is completely gone, but that he is able to control it, and act in a way that is compatible with who he wants to be.

As he’s heading back home again, he sees Katniss.  It looks like she’s heading home from seeing Madge at the Mayor’s house. She’s looking a little more relaxed, but when she sees him, a blank mask slips over her face and she looks away.  His heart breaks just a little, because he knows it is his own fault he’s seeing that, rather than a smile or even her customary scowl.

He makes sure he’s smiling as he calls a “Good afternoon” to her.   She looks surprised-- this is the first friendly exchange he’s initiated since they’ve been back, but she gives a polite reply and continues on her way.

Peeta stops himself from asking if they can walk back together, knowing this wouldn’t be accepted. In fact, Katniss has sped up to a walk that is faster than some people run.

Peeta starts planning his baking for that evening and the next morning.  He doesn’t know if Katniss has ever had his own variant on the family’s cheese bun recipe-- they’d been selling them for about six months before he left.  He’s pretty sure she’ll like them.  He’ll make some sugar cookies tonight that he can decorate with flowers tomorrow morning.  Prim will like those, and there is no better way to make Katniss smile than by making Prim happy.  He has one more thing to bake as well, to show he hasn’t forgotten their past.

***

Haymitch is enjoying the bounty that the boy sent his way in the morning.  Even more, he likes that the boy is looking more like himself, as much as any damaged Victor can.   Now he just needs to see a spark in the Girl on Fire.  He drinks the last of his current bottle of Ripper’s finest white liquor, and remembers that’s it for him for the night. He hopes it is enough to get at least a little sleep.


	6. It Doesn't Get Any Easier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta and Katniss finally talk. It goes about as well as you'd expect, given what's happened up until now.
> 
> They also have a visitor to converse with, and really wish they didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to the wonderful Solas Violetta for stepping in for beta support.
> 
> All comments and feedback are appreciated.

**2 Days before the Victory Tour**

 

Katniss continues to go through the motions of her daily routine, even though she doesn’t really take any pleasure in it right now. She heads out to the woods again. Based on yesterday’s small yield, normal for this time of year, it may not be worth the trouble, but she needs to do something to avoid just sitting at home, and she doesn’t have any other ideas to keep her busy this morning. She’s back well before lunchtime, having already distributed her meager haul.

***

Peeta sees Katniss return and carefully packs his peace offering, bringing it by in time to be part of her family’s lunch. He hopes that she’ll give it a chance. He hopes she’ll give him a chance.

He knocks on her door, and Prim answers. At least she is happy to see him. “Hi, Prim. I’ve got something for Katniss here, can you get her for me?”.

Cheerful as always, she says “Sure, Peeta, it’s nice to see you!”.

As she starts to turn away, he beckons her closer and whispers “There’s something I made special for you in here as well, I think you’ll like it.”

As he thought it might, this puts a little zip in her step as she flies up the stairs to get Katniss. When Katniss comes down, her hair is wet, she is clearly just out of the shower. Peeta thinks about her in the shower, and looks down at his basket before his stare creeps her out.

Prim is literally bouncing up and down, begging Katniss to see what he brought. Peeta feels a little guilty for pulling Prim in to help him out, but it seems to be making the young girl happy, so he doesn’t feel too bad about it.

Peeta looks at Katniss as he hands her the basket. “Katniss, I’m sorry for how things have been between us.”

She glares at him, giving a quick nod towards Prim. She then gives her sister an indulgent smile. “Prim, why don’t you take this in the kitchen and unpack it. You can see what kind of treats Peeta brought us.”

Prim proves herself a worthy ally. “Katniss, he brought it for you, not us. You should be the one to see what’s in it.” Prim grabs Katniss in one hand, Peeta in the other.

Katniss sighs. “Come on Peeta. It looks like we're doing this together.”

The delicately frosted cookies are on top. They are beautiful, each with a different flower painted in soft colors. Prim is absolutely delighted, and Peeta says that he had her in mind when he made them.

Prim asks “Can I eat just one of them now?”

Peeta and Katniss both tell her “No.” Peeta adds a kinder “Not until later.”

She shrugs. “I’ll just look at them until after lunch. They’re too pretty to eat, anyway. What else is in the basket?” Her eyes flit back to the cookies, like nothing could rival them for her attention.

Katniss pulls out the cheese buns, with a question on her face.

“These are cheese buns, my personal recipe, a variant on a family recipe. I thought you might like them with your lunch. Try one now?”

Katniss shrugs and splits one in half, giving the other piece to Prim. He watches as Katniss’s face lights up briefly as she tastes it. The neutral mask quickly slips back in place, and she is stiff as she says “Thank you. That was very good.”

His surge of hope is as brief as her expression of joy for the bun, but it was there. He’s disappointed when she resumes her distance, but he clings to the hope he felt.

There’s one last bundle for her to unwrap. It contains two loaves of raisin walnut bread. They each have a very small burned spot. Not enough to really affect the taste, but maybe enough to trigger a memory?

Katniss gasps to a confused Prim, telling her to keep Peeta company for a minute, and she darts out of the room.

Peeta discusses the different flowers on the cookies with Prim, who doesn’t seem to realize the meaning this particular bread has to the star-crossed lovers. He’s nervous, he’s not sure how Katniss will react.

In the formal living room, Katniss takes some deep breaths. She once again pulls her mask into place and goes back into the kitchen. “Little Duck, will you finish putting together our lunch? I need to talk to Peeta for a few minutes.” With that, she turns and walks out of the room, leaving him to follow.

Once they are alone, the mask comes off again, and fire burns in her eyes.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of game you are playing, but it needs to stop now. I hope Haymitch has told you how important it is we maintain our image on the upcoming trip. If he hasn’t, ask him. I’ll play my part. I need you to take care of your side of this, there’s too much riding on it for us to screw it up, and I don’t need to deal with you messing with me like this.”

Peeta protests “I’m not playing a game. I know I’ve behaved badly, towards you more than anyone else. I want you to know how sorry I am, that I recognize how much you’ve always meant to me, and that I want to repair our relationship”.

Katniss barks out a laugh. “There isn’t anything to repair. You’ve made that extremely clear. On the tour, we’ll each play our role, but there is no need to pretend now. We’ll survive the tour. When we get back, we’ll worry about what is next.”

Prim knocks on the door. “Lunch is ready now. Peeta, would you like to join us? It’s just leftover stew, and the buns you gave us will go with it nicely.”

One glance at Katniss tells Peeta that would not be a good idea. He sighs as he gives Prim his apologies for not staying. His shoulders sag as he returns home. He doesn’t look back to see Katniss staring at him as he leaves.

***

Haymitch wants to see where things stand, and invites himself to lunch with the Everdeens. He’s given himself a standing invitation, and no one objects. He walks up to the door, and sees the girl glaring out the window next to it with fire in her eyes, staring towards the boy’s house. He’s absolutely thrilled to see it, but doesn’t show it when he walks in. He calls over to Katniss. “Hey, sweetheart. What’s the boy’s done now?”

The way she spits out “nothing” leaves him wondering idly what the boy did do. His gut feeling is that to make her this annoyed now, it was something different than what had been going on between them.

Haymitch smiles. His kids are back. They still have to find their way through all this garbage, but he’s hopeful they can pull it off.

* * *

 

**One day before the Victory Tour**

Peeta hears a knock at his door while he’s upstairs, painting. He’s in the middle of something, and he’s actually content for the moment. For a split second, he considers ignoring the summons, but visitors aren’t that frequent, and he doesn’t want to discourage them.

He is startled to see a man in a Capitol style suit, conservatively cut. There’s a car behind him. The person at the door tells him he has an important visitor. That statement doesn’t even begin to prepare Peeta to see President Snow walking toward him. Peeta feels a rush of anger (anger mixed with fear, really), but he manages to hold his friendly smile on his face. It’s a good thing he’s been practicing.

Once they are both settled around the desk in Peeta’s study, the President starts the conversation. “I have to say, I was not expecting you to be the Star Crossed Lover that would give me trouble upon the return home. I had a little bit of this conversation with Miss Everdeen before the two of you left the Capitol. I’m here now to be absolutely certain you both understand the seriousness of the situation in which we find ourselves.

He picks up a pen from the desk, looks at it for a moment, and then continues. “I suspect you don’t realize this, but your trick with the berries wasn’t seen by everyone as a desperate plea by star crossed lovers. Some of the Districts saw this as an act of rebellion, as a challenge to the government. As a challenge to me. Some of them are actually building on this.”

At this point, he puts down the pen, and his eyes focus on a generic Capitol painting on the wall. Peeta’s never really looked at it, he hasn’t really spent any time in this room at all. The picture is actually four panels, each showing a different District, each in a different season.

The President looks back at Peeta. “Do you understand what will happen if this continues? The damage that will be done? The lives that will be lost in any attempt at an uprising?”

Peeta has never found himself at a total loss for words before. The silence stretches out, and he realizes he needs to make some attempt at an answer. “Sir, I had no idea. But what I can do about this?”

“You can make absolutely certain the image of the Star-Crossed Lovers of District 12 stands firm through the Victory Tour. Make certain that every person in every district believes that you and Miss Everdeen are so totally in love that no notion of rebellion would ever cross your mind. That means no hints of rumors of you spending time with other young women, particularly with clothing in disarray. If you must indulge in such activities, be very, very discrete.”

Peeta’s face turns pale as he realizes that the word of his experience had spread far beyond the three of them he’d known were there at the time. He knows that the reputation of a young man isn’t really hurt by such stories. He also knows how much the town’s gossip mill would love to hold this over Katniss, and hates himself a little more for the pain he has caused her. He shakes his head slightly. It sounds like far more than personal reputations are at stake here.

President Snow’s eyes look over to the same painting as earlier, then back at Peeta as he continues. “I want to make sure you understand how wide the impact of an uprising would be. All those that participate will be crushed, of course. Many innocent bystanders will be caught in the crossfire. And wherever it starts, the impact will be felt immediately here in District 12. It could be something direct. Or it could be the supply of grain to a bakery. It could be any number of different risks to young men your age, and a little older. And who knows what the Quarter Quell might bring for young women like Delly Cartwright and Primrose Everdeen. Longer term, everyone living here would be affected in some way.”

Peeta gasps out an agreement, he isn’t even quite sure what words he says.

“Do we understand one another, Mr. Mellark?”

“Yes, sir. I understand, and will behave accordingly.”

The President stands, and Peeta jumps up as well.

“I’ve always liked you, Peeta. I think we could be friends as well as allies.”

Somehow, Peeta can’t return the feeling. But Peeta reaches through the panic to the friendly smile he’s always been able to turn on, and the words that are usually so easy for him, and shakes the President’s hand. “I’m already doing everything I can to repair things between Katniss and me. But whatever happens with that, I know she also understands the importance of keeping up the image. We’ll both do everything we can to convince Panem of our love.”

As the Capitol guard, who had been posted just outside the door to the room, joins Peeta to escort the President to the front door, Peeta has to reminds himself to keep breathing.

Once the president is gone, Peeta collapses in the nearest chair, his skin crawling. As he thinks about the task facing him (and Katniss as well), he now has much more sympathy for Katniss and her emotions on the train ride home. At the moment, all he feels when he thinks about his relationship with Katniss is confusion and panic. There is no room for love or affection when thinking about her, not with this kind of pressure on him.

He thinks about those that Snow threatened. His father. His brothers. Delly. Prim. Innocent bystanders. Everyone in the District.

The guilt over the fallout from his behavior brings out the nasty voices in his mind, blaming Katniss, blaming Haymitch, anyone but himself, but he shuts them up. They won’t help the situation at all. He’s going to face whatever happens head on, as the man he’s trying to be.

***

Katniss arrives home from her morning out hunting to see her mother in a state of anxiety. She follows her mother’s lead in talking about her morning walk, and doesn’t show signs of noticing the man from the Capitol until Prim points him out. (She knew someone else was there as soon as the door opened, but he didn’t need to know that. The car outside was a clue something big was happening.)

Still, the identity of the visitor in her study surprises her. Although when she thinks about it, maybe it shouldn’t. She is not happy to see him again, she doesn’t welcome him, but simply eyes him warily.

“Miss Everdeen, shall we agree not to lie to each other? It will make for much more efficient conversation.”

She really isn’t expecting this. At this point she just gives up on being surprised, and lets the conversation go where it will. She’s worried and afraid, but answers him calmly, treating him as a respected peer rather than a feared leader. “That sounds like a good idea.”

“The situation has continued to develop as we last discussed. I expect your full cooperation in settling down those led astray by your actions in the arena.”

She struggles with the panic surging through her, but remains outwardly calm as she tells him “I’m doing my best.”

“That may be true. You faced unexpected challenges. But none of that matters now. Once you get out on the Tour you and Mr. Mellark are going to need to do much better.

“Simply put, there is unrest in the districts. You need to ensure it doesn’t continue. People have seen that you challenged the government and faced no punishment. What’s to keep them from doing the same? People are breaking the rules that keep them safe. They are refusing to do the work that makes this country successful. They are fighting for no reason except to resist authority

Katniss keeps her face still, but her mind is racing. A part of her is elated at the idea that people are fighting back against the Capitol, against the man sitting across from her.

He continues speaking. “When I have to respond with force, people get hurt. Not just hurt, but killed. Believe me when I say I don’t want that to happen in any district. You must leave absolutely no doubt in anyone’s minds that love was and is your only motivation. There must be no doubt from the Capitol. No doubt from the districts. And more to the point, no doubt from me.”

At this point, her mother offers tea, through the man at the door. The president acts like a gracious guest as he accepts, but when her mother brings it in, all Katniss can feel is anger at Prim having to share the beautiful cookies Peeta made for her.

Over tea, the President asks polite questions that show that he really does know what is going on in District 12 (in her life) in much more detail than she’d thought possible, much more than she finds comfortable, since she sees every question as a veiled threat. Madge (How are her mother’s headaches, can she get the medicine she needs?). All of her “cousins”-- Gale in the mines (What a dangerous job that can be.), Rory and Vick (Boys that age can get up to such mischief.), even sweet little Posy (how is her health these days?). And always coming back to her mother and Prim.

President Snow stands up to leave and looks directly at Katniss. “I want to be very clear here. The Districts will see the two of you as so in love you have no room in your lives to consider anything else but each other. You will not just convince them. You will convince me. The stakes are high for our nation, and if our nation suffers, so will Prim, your mother, Madge Undersee, and of course, your "cousins". It’s entirely up to you and your lover.”

Katniss wonders what it is about her that sets up these unreasonable expectations around her romantic situation, when she never wanted a love life at all.

***

Haymitch looks out of his house and sees the identity of the visitor. He considers gathering the kids and taking a long walk, stretching their legs before they are all stuck on the train.

He decides instead to take this opportunity to get very drunk. He thinks he’s not going to be able allow himself that luxury on the Tour.


	7. The Tour is here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Victory Tour is here, and Katniss and Peeta have no choice but to face each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Titania522 and SolasVioletta for all their help and support with this story.

## Day of the Victory Tour

### Before the train

Katniss leaves the house long before the sun comes up.  She needs to spend her morning in the woods.  She checks the snares, as much because she doesn’t want to leave any animals trapped longer than necessary if they weren’t immediately killed.  Primarily, she wants to enjoy this place where she is free, where she is herself.

The next two weeks will be unbearable.  Just the traveling itself would be stressful.  Effie and her schedules.  Her self-obsessed prep team.  Being enclosed in a small space with all of them.  Then there is the purpose of the trip.  She won’t be able to avoid thinking about the Games.   About Thresh, who let her live.  About Rue, who she couldn’t save. About those she killed herself.

But to add to that, there is the entire mess with Peeta.  She still doesn’t regret her actions, doesn’t regret saving him, but she wishes the Peeta that came home was more like the Peeta she knew in the Games, knew of from before then.  And now she has to face Snow’s threats.  What was once implied has now been clearly stated. She has to convincingly portray herself as being madly in love with someone she isn’t even sure she likes anymore.  And she has to trust that he will hold up his side of the deal.  While worrying about Prim.  And her mother and Gale and Madge, but most of all, Prim.  Maybe she should have just swallowed the damn berries.

She thinks back to the time in the Arena.  With that Peeta, she might be able to pull it off.  Once she got started, it wasn’t hard to act like she was completely in love with him. She didn’t always know what to do, but once she figured it out, actually performing wasn’t difficult (She puts aside thoughts of why that might have been true).  But she doesn’t know if she can trust Peeta’s change of heart, believe that he will once again be like the boy she knew before the games, the man she knew during them.  She doesn’t know if she’s capable of doing this.

The one thing she does know, that she promises herself, is that she will fight with everything she has to convince Snow.  She will not hide from this challenge.  That’s not who she is.

***

Peeta wakes up early.  He starts baking because it soothes him, then he realizes he’s leaving, and won’t have anything to do with the results of his efforts.  He laughs a bit at the image of himself bringing bread on the Victory Tour, of offering it to Effie and his prep team. He decides he’ll take it to Mrs. Everdeen, that she’ll make sure if goes to those that can use it.

Once that’s done Peeta decides to spend some time painting instead.  He doesn’t have anything particular in mind, but it is something to do with himself when he thinks.

This is quite a mess he and Katniss find themselves in.  They didn’t mean to challenge the Capitol.  Except that in a sense, Katniss did.  She risked her life (one more time) for him, on the hope the gamemakers would change the rules and accept two Victors rather than none.  

Peeta thinks back to what Haymitch said.  Once again, Peeta had accepted he was dying.  Swallowing the berries would have sped up his death by 5 minutes?  Maybe 10?  But all Katniss needed to do was wait.  She’d gotten herself in this situation to save him.  And he’d spent his time since they came home making it more difficult for her.

But certainly, neither of them meant to start a rebellion.   Who would have thought that two kids could have that kind of power?  Part of him wonders if a rebellion would be such a bad thing, but he thinks of how many people would die.  People he knows.  People in the districts.  He thinks there must be another way.

Peeta stops and looks at his painting of a single dandelion. He makes himself a promise. He’s going to put everything he has into resolving this situation, he’s going to keep those he cares for safe, and he’s going to do it as the man he wants to be, the one he still is, deep inside himself.

***

Katniss and Peeta both think to go wake Haymitch up before the invasion from the Capitol.  Unfortunately for Haymitch, Katniss gets there first.  When he doesn’t respond to her first attempts to wake him, she escalates to pouring cold water on him.  As Peeta walks in, he gives her a real smile, but it’s clear she doesn’t trust him.  He can’t blame her for that.   Haymitch looks up and tells them they’ll have to do better than that, maybe it’s time to start warming up.  Katniss ignores them both.  She leaves out the window, avoiding passing by Peeta.  Peeta offers Haymitch some bread and says that he should shower and change, that the cameras will be there shortly.

***

Katniss resigns herself to submitting to the ministrations of her prep team.  Particularly as they are leaving her hair intact in the places where it won’t be seen under her winter clothing.  The rest of it she will see as donning the armor she will need for the upcoming battle.  It turns out that listening to her prep team is interesting.  It isn’t that she actually cares about the shortage of shrimp for a particular party, but the potential reasons behind the shortage?  Those have her intrigued.  She actually participates in the conversation, probing for more clues as to the situation in the nation. She feels very conflicted as to what news she wants to hear.

***

Peeta actually enjoys the company of his prep team.  His house is normally a lonely place.  He submerges himself in their chatter as he gears himself up for the challenge to come.  His mind drifts back to previous sessions with his team, preparing for the games, for the interviews afterward.  This feels surprisingly similar, both in the uncertainty and excitement about what will happen with Katniss and the total terror about the outcome if anything goes wrong.  This time, it isn’t just his life, it isn’t just Katniss’s life, it’s the lives of everyone he cares for, it’s the lives of everyone in Panem.  And he wonders what would really be best for all of them?

***

The video equipment is set, Peeta and Katniss are camera-ready.  The doors to both houses open, and the two lovebirds smile and walk to each other. They wrap their arms around one another and kiss before looking at the camera.  Peeta tries to pinpoint what is different between this and the other kisses they’ve shared.  Her body is a little stiffer, her eyes a little harder, her lips a bit less enthusiastic.  It isn’t anything that will be visible to those watching, but Peeta now knows what a truly fake kiss from Katniss feels like.

* * *

  
  


### On the train

Over dinner, Effie sets out the schedule for the tour, emphasizing the busy, busy day they will have tomorrow in District 11.  Everyone is quiet as they eat.  Katniss stares at her food.  Peeta stares at Katniss.  Haymitch watches both of them.  Effie, Cinna and Portia try to start up the conversation several times, but give up and hope this isn’t what life over the next couple of weeks will be like..

Peeta knows they need to fix things between them, and it is up to him to do so.

It’s a quiet evening as they all sit around.  They watch the television, mostly to avoid talking to one another.  One by one, Effie, Portia, Cinna leave to get ready for bed and the next day.  Haymitch comments that maybe a walk in the moonlight would be romantic, and that the train will be stopping soon.  With that, he grabs the nearest bottle and says good night.

The train starts to slow down, right on cue. Still not talking, Katniss and Peeta each grab a coat from their rooms and meet at the nearby exit.  The air is much warmer here than it would be at home at this time of night, so they wear their coats loosely, without hats and gloves.

Peeta reaches for Katniss’s hand as they walk along.  Katniss turns and hisses “Don’t you dare do that now”.

Peeta is happy to see there is a spark of energy in Katniss’s eye that wasn’t there last time they talked.  He’s not so thrilled that the fire is directed at him.  As much as he feels he deserves it, hostility will make life harder for both of them.

Peeta sighs.  “Would it help if I grovelled?  I know I’ve been a real idiot since the last time we were on a train together, and I am truly, deeply sorry.   I’m sorry I wasn’t more appreciative of what you did for me in the Arena. I’m sorry I froze you out when we got back. I’m deeply embarrassed and sorry about how I reacted when you came to talk to me.  I’m sorrier than I can say about the events in the meadow that day.  What I did wasn’t respectful to you, to her, or to myself, and I’m incredibly grateful I came to my senses before anything more happened.  Most of all, I’m sorry I let my mother, her way of seeing things and of reacting to them, get into my head.”

Katniss had been standing and listening, guarded but present.  At that last comment her head jerks up in surprise, meeting his eyes for the first time since he started talking.  In his eyes, she sees that the boy with the bread is back, and that they may be able to salvage something after all.  He slowly reaches and links his hand with hers, and breathes a sigh of relief when she doesn’t pull away this time.

After a pause, she slowly, haltingly, says “I’ve been channeling my mother as well, and also not in a good way.”  She looks away as she says “I’ve decided that wasn’t what I was going to do, that when things go wrong I’m going to fight, not give up.  I did give up on this for awhile, and I’m sorry about that.  And as I tried to tell you before, I’m sorry I hurt you.”  

Peeta squeezes her hand. “I’ve decided that I’m not going to listen to that voice that tells me to strike out, to hurt in any way possible, that blames everyone else so that I don’t have to think about what is really bothering me.”  He takes a deep breath.  “Do you think we can try again to be friends?”

She looks at him for a moment and gives a real smile for the first time since the ride home from the Capitol.  She tells him “Yes, I think we can do that.”

By unspoken mutual consent, they start walking and talking about less loaded subjects, catching up on some of the smaller details since of their time in District 12,  learning about each other in small ways like favorite colors.  Both know they have more serious matters to discuss,  about how to handle the threats they’ve both received, but there will be time for that later.  Tonight, they will enjoy the sensation of their entwined hands and know they can be satisfied that they facing their challenges as partners once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> I like to play with these characters.
> 
> Yes, this is canon-divergent. Events did not unfold this way. But I wonder if they could have.
> 
> I think there are two places this diverges with canon in spirit.
> 
> One is Peeta letting the part of him that is like his mother show. Canon Peeta doesn’t do this until after the hijacking, at least not where the reader sees. Come on, doesn’t “You’re not very big, are you? Or particularly pretty?” sound like a casual comment from the same person that told Peeta that District 12 would finally have a victor, that “She’s a survivor, that one”. At best, a casual disregard for how the comment will affect the listener. At worst, an almost innocent comment targeted at exactly where it will hurt the most.
> 
> But I do think that he’s always had this inside him, as a response to his mother’s abuse. Canon Peeta does a saintly job of keeping it from ever surfacing, but this one doesn’t. And once it’s out, the situation spirals. The worse he feels, the worse he behaves. The worse he behaves, the worse he feels. I’m dealing with a different mental health spiral in my family right now, and it is the pits to deal with.
> 
> The other divergence point is the pressure on Katniss, starting with Snow’s early visit. Perhaps this is stretching things a bit, but I can see him wanting to put a quick word of warning in Katniss’s ear…. It’s a much simpler warning than the one in CF, because it’s earlier in the game, and Katniss is at a much more vulnerable point.
> 
> I needed this to increase the pressure on Katniss from the moment she gets home, and to force the situation with Gale, to increase her isolation.
> 
> And yes, I think if she’d told Gale point blank that no, she would not have a relationship with him, she was going to carry on with whatever she had with Peeta, that Gale’s pride would have been hurt and he would have backed off. I could see him trying to make her jealous, or just pretending nothing had happened, but I can’t really see him trying to pursue her immediately, or even chasing after her friendship. He’s got too much pride, and not all of it the good kind.
> 
> And so Katniss is more and more isolated. She makes a connection with Sae, and breaks it to avoid Gale. And so on. (I’m neutral on the whole Gadge thing, I threw that in to keep Madge out of play as a potential confidant). When pushed too far, Katniss reacts the way nature and nurture (or lack thereof) have shaped her.
> 
> I don’t think Katniss’s approaching Peeta is entirely out of character, once she really realized there was no way to return to how life was before the Games. Particularly with her isolation, and then with her reaction to it, I think she might have gathered the self awareness and social skills to give it a try. Once.
> 
> Katniss & Peeta (and Haymitch and the other Victors) suffer from PTSD. I think it is possible both of them did, at least a little, even before the games. They are strong, and the two of them will get on with their lives, particularly with each other’s help, but there are many places they could stray off the path.
> 
> I did take one bit of imagery from the Catching Fire movie. I thought it captured so much in that one glance.
> 
> On a completely different note, I completely disagree with Haymitch’s “You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him”. Peeta is an amazing person, but so is Katniss. 
> 
> And yes, I think Peeta treated Katniss badly when they returned from the games. She isn’t blameless, not by a long shot, and of course, they are both teenagers, and acting like idiots at times is all part of the package. I think he was justified in being hurt, but I think he could have made an effort to get past it sooner. I think he’s supposed to be the one with the people skills to be able to try to repair things. If Katniss didn’t accept an effort from him, it would then have been on her head, but how different would life have been if he’d just made a gesture toward being friends a month or two after returning. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this game of “what if”. Going through it gave me a lot of insight into canon Katniss and Peeta. I’d love to discuss it with you-- do you agree or disagree with how I had them behave? You can leave me a message here or on Tumblr-- I’m BookingIt there.
> 
> Thank you for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> A big Thank You to titania522 for her help, encouragement, and editing assistance!


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